


Roll For Seduction

by TheMissluluB



Category: Homestuck
Genre: A clusterfuck of a relationship but surprisingly rewarding, Asexual John Egbert, DnD AU, Johns POV, M/M, POV Second Person, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, They all play Dungeons and Dragons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 12:18:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11463453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMissluluB/pseuds/TheMissluluB
Summary: Dave slammed his hands down on the table, voice sounding more serious than you’ve ever heard it in your life.“I roll to seduce the rock,”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [roundandtalented](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roundandtalented/gifts).



> You've made me ship this now, how dare you :P

Dave slammed his hands down on the table you were all sitting at. His voice sounded more serious than you’ve ever heard it in your life. You shivered a little in anticipation, awaiting what he was going to say.

“I roll to seduce the rock,”

And as soon as that, the moment is gone and you’re in tears. Your name is John Egbert and you’re in the middle of a DnD game. You’re all currently stuck in a dungeon, and there’s only two ways of getting out of it.

Route A is going through a ton of monsters, to reach another exit. This will lead to you dying because you’re on 8HP and you gave all your healing potions to Eridan. This was because earlier on in the dungeon _he_ was at 2HP, and he’s one of the strongest players you have on the team when it comes to attacks. Unfortunately he’s not so lucky when it comes down to the dice roll. To add on to how this is a bad idea, no one else has healing potions to give to you, and Sollux refuses to use a healing spell because he thinks, and you quote: ‘death is cool’.

Asshole.

Then there’s Route B. This alternative option was not even meant to be an option. It was sprung up by Dave on a whim. He performed a successful Listen check through the rock and heard a slither of a stream on the other side. Sollux failed a roll to destroy the rock, as did Eridan. The rock’s quite big, so that’s understandable by your count.

Plus, they did roll a 2 and 3 respectively. It barely made a dent.

You can’t do much to help move the rock because of your class, and you’re conserving energy to help the others. Again, Sollux is a prick and doesn’t want to perform a heal spell on you.

Karkat, your Dungeon Master (DM), sighed and face-palmed. “You can’t seduce a fucking rock, Dave,”

“Yes I can, just fucking watch me,” Dave replies, and you’re dying of laughter. Hell, you might have to roll damage for laugh-induced asphyxiation. You peak an eye open through your tears and see Eridan and Sollux are also pulling faces, ranging from ‘What the fuck’ (Eridan) to ‘Holy fucking shit I actually wanna see if this works’ (Sollux). “I roll to seduce the rock out of the way,” Dave states again.

Karkat sighs another long-suffering sigh. “Roll for it,”

You quiet yourself for a few tense moments. You all watch in horror and anticipation as Dave picks up his die and rolls.

He rolled a Nat 20.

Karkat is horrified. You, Sollux, and Eridan share a knowing look. Dave smirks. “Told you I could do it,”

As soon as he said that you’re guffawing. Eridan chuckles at you, which makes Sollux start his nasally titter, and soon enough all three of you are in fits of giggles. Your stomach is hurting from laughing so much.

Karkat slammed his hands down on the table, his chair falling to the ground. He first pointed at Dave, yelling, “Dave, you’re a fucking asshole,” before turning to you to say, “John. Shut the fuck up for 5 Gog-damn minutes. It’s not that funny. And the same goes for you two bulge-waffles, too.” the latter comment was directed to the other two players. You stifle your chuckles slightly, and wait as the others quieten down too. Once they do, Karkat sighs, picks his chair up and tells Dave to ‘sit the fuck down’.

He goes into his DM-y narrator voice. “Dave seduced the rock so much it literally swooned out of the fucking way, creating a path for the travellers to go through. You enter a clearing; there is a stream of clean water next to you. Everything is quiet. What do you do?”

You look towards Dave, who shrugs before saying, “Thank you, my gorgeous precious rock for your fine talents, and also the nice exit you pulled out of nowhere,” you nod.

“I wish to take a drink from the stream,” you state. Sollux shakes his head.

“He may say it’s ‘clean water’ but is it actually clean?” he asks. Karkat shrugs.

“Roll for it,”

Sollux shrugs too, sighing. He rolls a Survival Check, getting a decent 14. He keeps rolling even numbers, and you can't for the life of you figure out how he keeps doing it.

“Water comes out as clean, no sign of contamination,” Karkat narrates.

“I take a drink from the water, and hope for the best then,” you say. He tells you to roll for it, so you do. Oh fuck.

You roll a 1.

“You fail to drink the water so spectacularly that you fall into the stream and hit your head off a rock. Roll Damage,” he says, and you sigh, and roll for damage, in which you ended up taking 2 HP Damage. Well now you only have 6 HP left.

“I _really_ need a healing potion,” you state, and Eridan checks his inventory for one. You know he hasn't got one, but you appreciate the offering.

“Here, I have some meat, maybe that’ll heal you a little,” he says. You gratefully accept the offer, but realise that it’s uncooked.

“How am I supposed to eat this?”

“I dunno, maybe we should set up a camp or somethin’,” he suggests.

You all set up camp for the night and leave your campaign there for now.

It’s a fun campaign, you think, designed by Karkat himself. He figured that you were on your own a lot, on purpose, for reasons that he doesn’t know and you would rather not disclose. Plus Sollux and Eridan seemed to want to isolate themselves alone but together. So he decided he should set up some sort of game which could get you all together. Dave came a long for the ride, and now you’re all here, having fun in what could be a brilliant, albeit long-winded game of Dungeons and Dragons. Though, Karkat doesn’t want to call it that, but you call it that anyway.

His face when he gets annoyed is hilarious to you.

Karkat packs everything away and writes down the point where you all finished at, while Dave grabs some drinks for everyone. This means he's getting everyone Apple Juice. “Don’t think about piss, Dave!” you call out, and he yells ‘God Damn it, John!’ in response. There’s a little rung gained in your prankster’s gambit, and you chuckle.

You move over to Eridan, who’s now sitting next to Sollux on a bean bag. You lie on top of them both. “I’m bored,” you state, before sighing. Eridan pats your hair in response, while Sollux groans, placing his head on Eridan's shoulder.

“Well, there’s one thing I know we could do to ease boredom,” Even though you can tell what face he’s pulling, you look up at him. Yep, Sollux is waggling his eyebrows at Eridan. This, of course, gains Eridan’s hand pushing his face away in response. The sea-dweller pushes him so hard that the boy falls off the beanbag. You laugh at him.

“What’s wrong, Sollux? Did you hurt your ass when you fell on the ground?” you ask, cheekily. He huffs.

“Fuck off, Egderp,”

Dave comes back at that point, and stares at the three of you. “You’re all fucking idiots,” he says, before helping Sollux up. “You okay?” he asks. You sit up, and accidently end up in Eridan’s lap. Whoops.

You see Sollux nod at Dave, and doing a motion which you assume is him rolling his eyes. He doesn't have pupils so you understand that he kinda has to improvise. “Yes, I’m fine,” he lisped out. Dave nods, handing an apple juice to him, before kissing his nose. Sollux sputters at that, blushing deeply. You smirk at his sputtering.

Oh yeah, you forgot to mention. You’re totally in a relationship with all of them. Momentarily slipped your mind. Whoops.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s sort of a weird, your relationship, but you’ll attempt to break it down as best you can… or at least how it happened.

It started when Karkat brought you all together for DnD sessions, he was dating Dave at the time. They apparently had a talk a few weeks on from the first session, and decided it would be a good idea to date all of you. Eridan and Sollux already had this weird troll relationship going on but God knows what kind, so they were okay with it. You took a little while to figure out if it would be a good idea. You didn’t think that people would want to date you, you’ve never really _thought_ about it. But after a while you agreed, it might be fun!

You just don’t… get in on the action, so to speak.

Thanks to the cunning use of the internet, and via personal inspection, but certainly _not_ thanks to Rose’s insistence (But totally thanks to Rose’s insistence, shh!) you’ve realised that you’re… not as heterosexual as you thought. Honestly, you’re not even sexual, never mind hetero. That’s when you realised that the ‘Asexual’ term fits you a lot better than any other. You’re probably biromantic, but it’s all still a little confusing to you. You don’t like to think much about it.

You’d rather just be the wind…

Never mind all that.

Anyway.

Via the cunning use of combining Human Romance and Troll Quadrants together, you’re able to figure out roughly where you lie in your relationship.

So, let’s start with Eridan. Other than Dave and Karkat, he’s kind of like your best friend. But he’s so grumpy and lonely all the time, and he causes that on _himself_. He’s just as self-destructive as Dirk, but far worse at controlling it. A long conversation with Karkat about this came to the conclusion that you were, quote, ‘SICKENINGLY PALE FOR ERIDAN OF ALL PEOPLE’. You brought it up with him, and now you’re like… you guess in the best-friend quadrant with each other. You don’t really know how Pale works, but Eridan’s teaching you.

It involves a lot of sleepovers, that’s for sure. (His house (hive?) is really nice though!).

On to Dave, and you’re _pretty_ sure that Dave’s been gay for you since you first spoke on Pesterchum. He was super good at hiding it, though!

Either that or you were _that dense_ that you didn’t pick it up. Reason 48 why being the wind is a much better scenario to anything.

Anyway, you and Dave are definitely dating. Like, the romantic-candlelight dinner dating. It’s kinda nice, actually, because you were scared that dating would change your friendship, but really it just made you better bros. Bros who can kiss each other.

Plus when Dave says ‘no homo’ you can say something like ‘all the homo’ or ‘dave we’ve been dating for 3 years’. You are keenly waiting to use the last one. _Very keenly waiting_.

Onto Boyfriend 3, and you knew that Karkat had a “pitch thing” for you. You knew full well that you couldn’t return said feelings. Too right, he told you that that so called ‘hate’ he felt slowly slipped away into the abyss. You were apparently ‘too lovable to hate’. Coming from Karkat, that’s the sappiest shit you’ve ever heard. Safe to say your relationship with Karkat is very similar to the one with Dave. Which is good, for you. Especially because of boyfriend (god damn it, brain) 4.

In an ideal world, you would have labelled him in your brain as boyfriend 3… or 1… any uneven number, honestly. Just to piss him off. Boyfriend 4 is Sollux Captor and you have not met such a _dorky, snarky prick_ as him in your entire _life_. His stinginess could put Equius to shame. And you _like_ Equius. Sollux just doesn’t want to admit that he sucks!

Karkat says that you’re pitch for him. You don’t know how to feel about that. At the moment you’re currently going with the flow. As is the breeze that is your wacky relationship. It’s weird, but he just… aggravates you. Plus he’s good at coding and you hate him for that. _You_ want to be good at coding.

… Maybe he’s “Pitch” for you, considering he _won’t fucking give you any healing potions_.

Jerk.

Right now, you’re still at Karkat’s place. Everyone’s trying to find out how sleeping arrangements are supposed to work. Fitting 5 people on a bed is actually a _really hard thing to do_. Especially since none of you are tiny. Karkat is the smallest of the 5 and he’s still pretty average. You look on in wonder, about how the _fuck_ everyone’s going to fit on this God damn bed.

“I don’t mind sleeping on the floor,” you say, in an attempt to help out, “It won’t be that bad,”

“No one is sleeping on the fucking floor, John,” Karkat grumbles in response.

“No I don’t mind, really!”

“Fucking no, John!”

You huff out, annoyed. You were only trying to _help_ , Jesus. Something cold wrapped around your waist, and started pressing kisses to your neck. “Eridan…” you say, mock annoyed. He shooshes you in response, stroking your hair. You groan out a little. Then he starts tickling you, you hate when he does that. He tickles your stomach, whilst still pressing kisses on your neck, and it’s only when you’re gasping for breath that he finally stops. “You’re a fucking asshole,” you tell him, and he laughs.

“Ya love me,” he responds, and you can’t exactly deny it.

Sollux gets the idea to pick up the sofa that was downstairs via his psiioniics, and you are pushed out of the way as he walks in with it. He places it against the window, and moves the bed next to it.

“There, that problem’s fixed,” he states, before jumping onto the bed-sofa thing. You look over to Dave as he shrugs and follows suit.

“I’m not gonna look a gift-horse in the mouth, or some shit kind of metaphor,” he said, muffled through the cushions. You look at Karkat, who looks equally confused. Then you turn to face Eridan, still clinging onto your waist, before sighing.

“Fine, let’s all lie on the sofa-bed-thing,” you relent, dragging yourself and Eridan to the bed, and trying to find a place to get comfortable.

The sofa-bed combo itself is actually pretty comfy, you’ll begrudgingly admit. You’ve been squished in-between Eridan and Dave, which you’re not too bothered about. Karkat’s in-between Dave and Sollux, which you also find pretty decent, for yourself anyway. Sollux uses psiioniics to draw the curtains, and you snuggle into Dave’s back, feeling Eridan’s arm wrapped around your waist.

You fall asleep to the sound of their even-breathing, one with the wind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus:  
> “John, you turned into the wind again,”  
> Fuck.
> 
> Prompt:
> 
> I've been affectionately calling this boy pile 'Nerd Circle', because obviously every last one of them is a different sort of nerd, and I ship them all mixed up but generally 'anything is fine'.  
> I'd love to see how you, gracious prompt filler, could make this work. Show me the relationship dynamics. Not everyone has to get in on the action.  
> Bonus points for working in Asexual John Egbert.  
> Extra Bonus points for including World of Warcraft or something equally nerdy.  
> Just nerds having some fun ;) Nsfw is encouraged but don't feel like you have to!


End file.
